On my own

I've been living by myself for a month now. It's so different, so quiet. It's not that lonely, especially since I'm gone most days for about 11 hours. Today I frantically cleaned the morning away. Forgoing the promise that I'd spend time at the gym on Saturdays. I have to go on Sunday instead. There's no mom telling me how messy things are. I don't control mess the way that she does. She goes crazy over it. I need it. I need the anchor of the clutter to remind me that I'm not her. And in some ways, I feel like the energy of trying to keep things as rigidly clean as she desires is just too much. That's not where I want to put my energy. I can't imagine focusing my energy in that way. It would be so boring. As it is, I do this cleaning in almost an ADD style. Beginning several projects at once and working on them all simultaneously. Well, maybe that's multi-tasking. Not ADD-style. I'm trying to unpack my things that I don't really need but want. And trying to find a place for them. Still at a loss. I think that it would be cool. But honestly, I think that I would need the reinforcements of another person. Which is not a position that will be filled any time soon.